Monday, June 13, 2011
The good I want to do? I don't do it.
It’s 5 mins until we have to leave for school and we’re running late again. I’m doing the Big Girl’s hair and The Boy comes down without shoes or socks, his bags not packed and his wanting to know where a bakugan the Big Girl’s gave him is. They start bickering and fighting because he wants to take the bakugan to school, she doesn’t want him to and the clock’s ticking down and he still has no socks or shoes on. I tell him to get ready and forget about the bakugan ... if he wants to take stuff to school he has to pack them in his bag the night before. The lip sags and tears sprout and I tell him to stop whining and get ready. It’s the third time this week we’ve had the same conversation.
I put my shoes on and they’re still arguing which breaks out into a full blown fight and I just want to get them to school. Soon I’m yelling to just get in the car then she’s crying and the frustration and rage feels like it’s rising up and is going to choke me. I tell her to stop crying about nothing and she just cries harder. I want to scream ... or break something ... or climb back up the stairs and pull the covers over my head and hide away for the rest of the day.
But we have to go and we’re in the car. I pull out the driveway and tears prickle behind sunglasses. Why, oh why, do I always make the same mistakes. Impatient, selfish, quick to anger ...
“Wretched (wo)man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” Rom 7:24
What do I do when I repeatedly fail, day after day? I could make excuses, ignore my failures or lower the bar ... a quick look at Today Tonight would be enough to show that there’s plenty of mothers doing a worse job than I am but Jesus said “Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” so that doesn’t seem an option. Luckily Paul answers his own question in v25 “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord” ... there is someone to rescue me.
We pull up at the school, I hand over the bags then I pull my girl in close, give her a hug, look her in the eyes and whisper I’m sorry. As she walks away she turns around and says “Bye mum” and I know I’m forgiven.