Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I probably WON'T meet your expectations

For a big part of my life I've been trying to meet the expectations of the people around me. Sometimes these might have been real, sometimes I might have just thought that was what they expected. All this caused a huge internal conflict because I knew that I was sacrificing some of the best things in life for the sake of other people's expectations of what a good mother/wife/person looked like. My anger and frustration would build and boil over. Finally it all got too much and I poured out everything I felt even though some of it I didn't understand myself. How I felt judged, and a failure. It didn't make a lot of difference at the time but over the year I gradually shifted my focus. I thought more carefully about what I thought was important and what my priorities should be. The voice saying "What will he/she think?" is still there but I'm doing my best to ignore it. I'm not going to let other people or myself squeeze me into some box.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Rom 12:2

I'm a work in progress but getting rid of all that junk and guilt has meant that I've made room for a whole lot of other good stuff, especially a deeper understanding of who God is in my life. Hubby came home one day a couple of months back and he said "You seem happy" and I realised I was - I've found my joy again.

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